Friday, 19 November 2010
So thats what fake ones feel like.
So again I find myself in starbucks thieving wifi and spending an hour over my latte,jesus I'm turning into a bag lady-am really struggling to describe last night as it all got a bit out of hand .However here goes.
Got up cleaned up had some omelette walked down town and observed the fisherman at work on the pier,did a bit of the old window shopping and brought a clothes line for $7 right little bargain.Found a great little herb+spice shop that sold every spice under the sun what I would give to have one back home.
LA more than any of the other places I have seen really is a have and have not area, the down + outs wander/mingle with the shoppers with their trollies and blankets and end up just crashing out at night where ever takes their fancy,but its not like at home they don't beg or bother, not a tin of tennents super T in sight.
Its as if they are a silent reminder that as a country the US doesn't work,theres no help for these people,once your down there your staying there,but did see a poster advertising the socialist workers party which if I remember where will be snapped.
So onto the hightlight of the evening sitting on me bed watching TV am really tempted to get a six pack and chill in front of the porn channel,that was until Mr Roach decided to climb up my arm and introduce himself.
Was not aware of the loud 'popping'noise they make when you crush them very 'starship troopers'.
So that was that shower shave and down to that seafood place marvellous meal again Kirin lager is lovely not seen it at home for ages, the staff remembered a lot more about our previous encounter than I did apparently I was on fine form and this is when the evening started going astray.Between the food and the taxi ride to the bar lost a $20, which meant I would need to use the ATM to ensure enough cash for taxi back.
So its kareoke night and its busy get a stool and decide to keep it,catch the eye of a pretty little thing and her two mates who seem to be hassled by two guys ,one of whom seems to be coked to eyeballs.As pretty as she was I was not leaving this stool until nature demanded so,as is its wane it wasn't that long before nature called and off I tottled immediately accosted by this girl who insists we have a little dance ,boy did she regret that decision,spun her around stepped on her toes and left.This unfortunately ,brought me into contact with the not coked up one.
Now for some reason most of the bars over here have 1 pisser and 1 crapper as a toilet and these are in the same cubicle,so I'm using one hes pissing in the other "G'day" hes says- your fcuking aving it I say-" Hey mate I know we are going to dick you in the ashes ,but doing you in the rugby well ,you guys are shit".Here was the start of a beautiful relationship Jezza was his name and Sydney was his home,really I'm off to sydney tomorrow- what filght QF12 i says me two he says - I'm sure you can see where this is going.So me and me new best buddie meet up with his mate who is still hitting on these girls but now its 3 a side every thing is looking peachy, she is actually from Cork and fuck me lived in woking never did find out if she was on holiday or an ex pat as her mate promptly collapsed and lo and behold for the 2nd time in 3 nights I 've chatted up the designated driver, and that was the end of that.
Turns out Jezza or so he tells me worked in Shepperd's bush really I\ say I use to work in feltham-seems he lived in hounslow and we both agreed both were sh1t holes.
Somehow we decided to move on to another club/pub ditched his drooling mate hitched a cab and Titty bar got a mention.
This was how I ended up in a Gentlemans club surrounded by half starved women who were pretty naked-no idea why this has gone bold and even less of a clue what to do about it!!!!!!!!!!!!
So a succession of young ladies enquire as to my availability to a) buy them a drink b) dance with them on my lap.Never going to fall for that old drink gag me,Jezza being Australian jumped in feet first yep a 250ml bottle of water for $10, now it seems that these girls will swarm you and if you repeatedly say no thanks they fcuk off and annoy some one else or, in my opinion the preferred course to be taken, go on to the stage and take their knickers off as this is all they have on and last time it took someone that long to get her knickers off if took me 3 months to take the hint and start looking for somewhere else to live.Never realised how flexible these females are, think my ex's got off lightly.
So having been sufficiently warmed up decide the next girl who comes over will be the lucky recipitant of my $40 and can dance on my lap.Well she was 5'11 blonde and lovely fake boobs perfectly round and lifeless, so off we went to the booth and having not been to this sort of establishment before,Honestly I haven't.Presumed the protocol was look and don't touch, made sense to me .So there I was like a statue when her hand slips down to my groin no doubt to see if she was working and I can safely say she was,gives it a good rub to make sure, then takes my hand and puts it where it hasn't been in years,awfully decent of her I felt to take pity on me like this,but then she starts using my fingers ,to well, err explore her inner beauty, now this is a very awkward situation as the bouncers check every couple of minutes presumably to make sure this sort of thing is not going on,so here I am with a finger inside , the thumb rolling back the years and the other hand being very careful not to catch the nipple in case it falls off.Sh1t if she had offered I would of there and then, so much for celibacy ,alas my 10 mins where up but she had the decency to give me a minute to calm down ,and walk ,without embarrassing me self.
Technically was I being raped ,as at no point did I agree to have my person penetrate this lady,probably not ,as I got a semi just remembering this sh1t.
So what was it like jezza asked amazing I reply patently not telling him it was my first time and therefore my cherry is broken or something like that..Who are you waiting for then- that one over there he says- 20mins later and hes still sat there at this point he decides its time to go so grab a cab drop me off on the way.So think this was about half 3 and I had to check out at 11am- not big and not clever but so's fcuking retarded dwarfs.
Anyway checked out on time still in starbucks typing up this sh1t.
New Boots and Panties- RIP Ian Dury