So there I was thinking that, Madrid, 4 days gonna be so cool, then I had a brain wave , little sis is 40 this month,that would be a nice thing to do,and so it seemed as Mini Molly tagged along with me and J to sunny Madrid, fucking sunny Madrid ,fucking 26 degrees Madrid, where the fuck did that come from. My only concern was that I hadn’t packed shorts and couldn’t be bothered to repack, ginger J had more pressing concerns; of the fuck this is gonna fry me to a crisp no sun cream concerns, mini molly just grinned a lot and licked the windows as we passed them.
Met up with Molls at the airport as J had decided that he hadn’t had any cock from Stansted so went from there instead, a couple of beers in the airport, well I did Molls had a half a shandy and complained that she was pissed already, she fucked off for a fag and non smoking yeah read it bitches non smoker me went through and waited for easyjets finest to get us to where we were going, this they duly managed and there was young J all cocked out and waiting for us, didn’t even go through customs just sat at the bottom of the stairs like an unwanted step child. Fortunately I had pre warned him that mini Molly was on the war path, not only had EJ made her check her bag due to space issues they only went and let the 4 guys a dozen back in the queue take theirs on. That was enough for the girl from Ash to remember said fact and she unleashed a tirade of filth and abuse onto twitter world, only to receive that condescending reply that EJ was sorry for fuck all and hoped it hadn’t ruin her flight, her flight ,J and I will be getting this shit for four days. Any ways picked up bag and allowed her to cool off as we made way to the metro and grabbed tickets to our new place of abode, Sunny Sol, or as now the corporate whores have got hold of it….sunny Vodaphone Sol. What a crock of shite we going to get Soho sponsored by durex now or maybe UKIP want to put their name on Tower Hamlets .
I digress, hotel was invaded showers abused and town hit, and when I say hit , it was a fucking train wreck when we retired there was a dancing a plenty as Molls showed off her best Egyptian moves, J was chucking a fine groove and I was swaying from the alcohol being consumed, mix this in with Tapas, Daisy Duke’s rather fine derrière-more and I mean a fucking lot more about that later and it was obviously going to be a great if rather messy affair, mix this in with the ripped doormat inside the pub and cheering people on as they tripped over it was a tad cruel but Oh so fucking hilarious, not really sure how or where we ended up as we wandered around the backstreets of Sol, but we had establish a mean group of bars, well up for anything, affectionately known as dead Cow(had one stuffed in the bar), butchers( about 500 pig legs hanging from the ceiling, plastic(Albanian owned Paddy pub) and the lesbian bar( rather fetching mosaic kind of pictures on wall of naked women and skeletons. Death and shagging always going to be popular with me and the barmaid had me in a lot of trouble found her rather fetching), no idea how we got home or what time but can assure it was fair to say the next morning we were hanging..breakfast was not a pretty sight.
Hit the streets after breakfast and J was immediately in trouble, this ginger was not gonna make the evening, we had to get him cream, which we did, duly smothered we wandered down Grand Via and hit the Prado, lost Molls after the first room, caught up with her later not sure what they thought of it, but hey I was the only one with a plan , they can follow …or not , though to be fair it did tend to change on an hourly basis and tonights was to watch a banjo man band we had seen advertised on the net, so off we set 8 ish to this club only to be told come back in a couple of hours as no one here yet, so we roamed the streets like scallywags of yesteryear all dressed up and nowhere to go, think we ended up at the Royal palace and meandered around there for a bit , deciding on where to eat was a bit torturous, have to admit I thought we were far enough from the tourist area for something good but no, average food, wine ok ox tail was passable but that was all paella looked crap and the presentation on the lamb was well, bollox.The bill came over and had, 6 euro for bread on it , do I need to go on, do I ? No, I think you get the picture, Molls felt guilty at picking that one so gallantly stood the bill.Anyway we toddled off in the general direction of Sol and found a street we recognised and made our way up to the club, at this point Molls had hit the wall and there was no second wind and she bailed, Banjo man would have to forgo her presence tonight, Me and J hit the club (Costello after the great man himself, top of Calle de la Montera). Our timings were spot on for a change…..see lose the chick and everything goes like clockwork and 5 minutes later we were watching the band (Tom’s Cabin) apparently the drummer is well fit, but was hidden from my view by the singer , smashed that for an hour and made our way back to the backstreets around the Hotel , but then we bumped into Daisy Duke and that ass, shit have no idea how to describe it other that to say that mini Molly was impressed with it, last nights attire was a jean short thing, tonight she was on fire in what I can only think was a thong, maybe shes had plastic surgery on and it was part of the deal to display her work as often as possible, but its fair to say that I could of watched that for a while , but it was only midnight and there was drinking to be done . So hit the cow bar and free feed for a couple then onto plastic only to find the fuckers had put another doormat on top to cover the rip and there was to be no tripping up and raucous laughter from our table tonight, but the wheat beer was fine ,the sports was on and a few of the sights were of a daring nature .
Saturday was match day so a walk in the Retiro Park and a trip to the Berna beu was on the agenda, obviously after yet another late night we were behind on the timings and did not get to the park till midday , a pleasant afternoon spent strolling around there and then back to the hotel, I say a stroll it was 4 hours later that we got back, Molls is officially 2 inches shorter and no longer has to worry about buying shoes as she is down to stumps now. Me and J went off to the stadium to sample the atmosphere while Molls rested up and waited for her feet to grow back. The ground is a bit special , unfortunately our hope of getting tickets was far outweighed by the fact that we had no fucking chance of getting them , reminds me of my love life, so we headed back to Sol to watch the game.
Eventually found a bar that wasn’t charging to get to, we settled down and watched the first half , wandered off to another to watch the second and returned to the hotel. Quick clean up and an hour later we were hitting the bars again with Molls in tow, had a couple in the lesbian bar and much to my enjoyment the cutie was there so had a couple of sangria’s and a beer and set off for food. I will be taking all the credit for finding it , the three of us were fed and watered for less then 30 euro,half of last nights bill and far better quality as well. Even better was the fact that J was quite oblivious to the toilet paper stuck to his shoe as he traipsed up and down the streets of Madrid, oh we did laugh.
We headed down to the dead cow bar ,where Molls being Molls and from Ash proceeded to get glassed, no not really, some guy smashed one on the counter by accident, Molls got covered in glass and J got covered in its contents, my face was covered in a great big grin and it was a struggle to keep the laughter to a minimum.
Molls bailed shortly after that and me and J hit the bars again and went looking for daisy but to no avail she was no where to be found.
Sunday was planned, but apparently I am more fleeting than the weather and we ended up at the indoor market ,Mercado San Miguel , lovely place and fair to say if me or mini moll was more confident with our Spanish we would of sampled the numerous eateries inside.
Anyway headed off to the outdoor market and it was big, but same old same old. Had a mooch around then back to the room for a clean-up, well I did the other two had two hours of social media to catch up on.
We had talked about getting to the Templo de Debod at sunset as the views are supposed to be amazing but obviously keeping in the tune of the weekend we were late and it was dark when we got there, a few mini pyramids and an even smaller museum , but very interesting a few photo shoots and then getting the kids in trouble as we tried wall climbing and them being kids tried to emulate us.
Headed back for food at the same place as the night before,then headed into the bars, Molls took an early one and J and I drank and said farewell to the bars that had kept us amused for the 3 nights.With an early flight we retired and caught our flights without any mishap what soever , even with mini molls with us.
I had a great time and thoroughly enjoyed showing my siblings around my favourite European city, so fuck you Nigel Farage. The only disappointment was finding out me super strong non prescription painkillers are now prescription only, so no more nights getting off my tits on two pills and a pint.
So until this summers road trip around the states, its goodnight from me.
P.S. Mini Molly has a thought or two so heres her take on our shenanigans…….
Well what an offer from big bro. Fancy 4 nights in Madrid sis? being that your 40 and all that! Chewed his fecking arm off, course bruv I said...casually.
Met at Gatwick, me being there about 3 hours early, hogging the smoking area. Expecting a call to say outside having a fag E...he fucking gave up smoking...again!! That's me with the 500 metre dash in and out before departures.
Wont mention much about them not letting me take my case on because the 3 cunts behind me were obviously more important. The Spanish girl freaking out was giving them enough grief anyway.
Seatbelts on off we go. 2 marmite rolls and a pack of haribo later we land in Madrid. Ian knows his way so i followed in the style of one of the seven dwarfs as this was obviously going to be the theme til Monday.
Great to see Jamie, he's fully grown. Kept thinking i used to wipe his arse when he was a baby. Got told off foe calling him gay on Facebook. Apparently this holds more weight coming from family.
Don't want to hog Ians blog so i will try and keep this to a minimum.
Bags dumped, Tapas bae located. Unidentifiable tapas ordered, we all thought the same but were polite enough not to say anything. 1 small beer..then a second..that was me done..giggling like a 15 year old on 20/20 outside the window running back and forth throwing some moves to amuse the boys. Hid round the corner to remove the snot bubbles that i was producing...had to keep it cool :) needless to say it was a messy night but thoroughly enjoyable..
Museum next day worth hangover that hinges on sickness ar any minute. I did well. Got to know the cafe inside out. Sat with head in hands with American know it all knob jockey spouting how clever he was next to me. The restraint in not telling him to fuck off to another table to loud boring cunt admirable.
Think we met the aptly named daisy duke that night. Whether she was on duty or just out i will never know. The boys had their tounges firmly slapped onto their chest in awe of what i can only discribe as an arse i would have bitten. We looked out for Daisy every night.
Conversations you shouldn't have with your sister. .yep Ian is the winner, the line i drew was crossed like a game of hop scotch. I shall take them to my grave. I have no idea why he is single?
We were on the 3rd floor so i took lift down each time. Jamie thought it hilarious to run down to floor 2 to push the button before i got there. Nice one J! Funny EVERY time.
Coffee was great. Slightly addicted by the time we left and withdrawls by time i got home. Breakfast was pizza so i gave that a miss each morning. Just watched the boys..don't know how people do mornings.
Couple of tarts as well had to wait for them to get ready each night.
Plans...ian makes them and then changes them. End of quote.
Did loads, saw loads..legs slowly growing back from stumps.
Fantastic trip all round and at a much needed time for me.
Cheers brothers. You do me proud x